Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How does one acquire holy water?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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