but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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