I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
