just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
