i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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