you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Even my vagina gasped.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
