Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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