I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
