Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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