i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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