Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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