Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
