I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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