Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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