It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
