My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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