thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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