I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
