Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
