You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
