The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
