He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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