his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
