We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We left an ass print on the piano.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
