so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
