I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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