Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im having a threesome with these popsicles
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
