have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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