There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
