I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
