I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i think my cat just said my name.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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