You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
