watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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