I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
