I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
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I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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