Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
