smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
