Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
