brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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