i was born a porn star she said
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
