wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
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You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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