So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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