We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
