I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
