I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
