I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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