Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
