my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
