I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My feet surprised me
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
