he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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