I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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