Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
