Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
