I think I died a long time ago.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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