dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
